Letters Unsent
by bh9
Summary: Quinntana -A series of unrelated letters written by Quinn that are never sent.
1. Chapter 1

I've never been in love.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a real thing, whether it's something that happens in certainty or a subjective feeling that you label, deeming that it fits the criteria.

I wouldn't call myself a romantic; I believe in it and maybe even romanticize the possibilities of being with someone, but myself? No. Maybe I've been too caught up in the stereotypes; that a man buys a woman flowers and she swoons into his arms. I don't think I've ever seen a woman woo a man before and yet it all seems irrelevant when we are both women; so if not a woman, then who?

We seem lost. Like a ship that's been pushed off course, with no idea where to head but knowing that there's no way of turning back. We need to go where the wind takes us; not knowing what lays behind each change in direction.

All I know is that things with you are like nothing I've ever experienced. You change everything and just like always; your effect is different to anyone's, anything's. I hate change; you know this better than anyone. But the feeling of my heart threatening to break through my ribs and how my breath hitches in my chest; I know this is something different altogether. You make me feel alive.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me because as always; I'm petrified of everything about you, it's something I've grown used to but now it's turned into something entirely new. I used to fear your intuition; you could always see through my facades, still can and the idea that I can't control what you know terrifies me. Then I was scared to spend time with you; for you to see the underlying emotions that line my features when I'm near you, that you would know you meant more than any friend ever could. And now, well; now I'm simply afraid of the unknown, of what I know will come of this, us. Change is unavoidable and if I'm completely honest I can't tell you what I want from it.

I'm independent, fiercely so. Growing up as I have has left me to rely on no one but myself. The idea of trusting someone whole heartedly.. of _needing_ somebody.. I don't think there is anything I fear more. Being with you, it tests me. Thinking of you, missing you; it reminds me that sooner or later I'll have to relinquish control, whether I'm with you or not.

I find this infuriatingly confusing. It's so hard to decipher how I feel when everything seems so contradictory. I hate that merely days apart leave me miserable and lonely, feeling sorry for myself as I spend the hours wondering about every _you_ related thing. But then.. I think about what it means and I can't help but smile at the thought of what this is, what this could become.

Then we come full circle.

I'm not in love with you, that's not what this is about. Despite having known each other for years; this place we've found ourselves in, the one that cannot be categorized as friends, lovers, girlfriends.. It's shown me that I've been wrong; I've been wrong with almost everything I've ever believed.

There's no such thing as the perfect couple. Perfection is subjective whereas what I feel for you leaves no room for interpretation. It seems almost unbelievable; that everything I've ever unconsciously desired, everything I've ever found attractive is there so clearly in you. I feel oblivious to not have noticed it before; how could I have missed what was so distinctly evident?

Though I'm still not wholly convinced of love, that it is real or that I even know what it means. Like with so many other things; you've opened my eyes to the possibility. It seems entirely more plausible after experiencing you as I have.

I needn't write your name at the top, it's only ever you I write to. Even if I don't know that you'll ever see this, whether one day I'll gain the courage to truly share how you baffle me in every way or if this will remain in the hidden drawer of my nightstand along with the many others I've preserved over the years.

It would be almost poetic if it weren't merely due to my cowardice but that's not something I see changing any time soon. For now, I presume we will continue walking this unknown path we've found ourselves on and maybe, maybe I'll be able to allow us to continue on blindly.

Until then; all I can do is free myself from the constraints of my own mind, to allow myself to be without constant scrutiny.

I hope one day to write of how wrong I once was, I hope that I grow as a person and most importantly; I hope it's you that I grow with.

Forever yours,

_Quinn_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing

**A/N**: Not sure how IC this one is but hey, enjoy :)

* * *

Sometimes, it feels like I know you better than I do myself and right now, I guess that's the way I want things to stay. Losing myself in something else, someone else, it's a privilege I don't deserve, especially not from you. Yet here I am, watching you watching her, and I don't think I've ever seen someone look so happy.

Have you ever spoken to someone about their passion; something they live and breathe for? The way their eyes almost light up at the thought; how their words seem to come easier, quicker, talking about something they know better than themselves. In that moment, their tone changes and with it, the atmosphere, because you feel like they've let you in on this secret world; _their_ secret world and they trusted you to listen to something so true of them, so raw and honest. They don't expect you to understand or feel the same because it's like no one could possibly feel so passionate about what they do, have such an affinity to it.

I don't think you realise it, I don't think anyone does but I've seen it. I've seen you like that, and honestly, I don't think I've ever known you to care so much about anything. But that's always been the way, hasn't it? We never seem to care about anything other than ourselves; when really, the centre of our universe is someone else entirely.

Something makes me want to reach out to you, to tell you how I know what it feels like to lose the most important person in your life. Though I doubt you'll admit it, in fact, I doubt you'd even let me get the words out. I wish you'd let me be there for you because I also know what it feels like to go through it alone.

There was a time when I called you my best friend, now I have nothing but acquaintances. I know if I were to approach you, however true, and true I know it is, your walls would be thrown up so quickly, so harshly.. Instead, I'll wait. I'll wait for you to accept the situation, to accept who you are. Maybe then you'll be able to accept the love and support we would all so gladly give you.

It's easy to say I suppose; when I know myself how great of a battle one can have with their own pride, their own ego. Still, I don't have much to be proud of these days, only the knowledge that when it came down to it, I put my own needs second. I wasn't selfish, I couldn't look out for me and I guess in the end, you'll realise that sometimes that needs to be done.

For now, I need to work on myself and it seems you do too. Maybe if we can put ourselves back together enough, we can help each other pick up the pieces.

_Quinn_


End file.
